"What the mind believes, the body achieves..." Knut Rockne

I am on the mend. I ran and walked a lot this weekend. I even did some push-ups! I went on a 3 mile hike with my husband yesterday in Harper's Ferry. As frustrating as it is that I have been eating "good" food and trying to start exercising, I have clearly gained a few pounds and need to dedicate myself to a committed clean diet and exercise daily at as intense an effort as I am allowed at this stage of my recovery. I am only a little sore after a 3.6 mile jog/walk two days ago. I am encouraged by that!

I received notice that I moved on to the next phase of an application process for a job that I have been wanting for many years. It is a multi=stage process. Next is a panel interview and physical testing, so I have to be prepared for this. I can do this.

I had a strange but telling dream before waking this morning. I was hanging on the back of a car that was driving at a safe speed, but it wouldn't stop. Then I was floating over a lake and I was afraid to let go and just drop into the lake- I distinctly recall the feeling of being afraid for what would happen, i.e. what if something pulls me under, what if I hit something when I hit the water or I hit it wrong, what if I don't make it to the side?? Then I thought, good god!! What is wrong with me? I am a strong swimmer, I can handle this, I can handle just about anything, and I LET GO! I woke up right after I reached the shoreline.....WOW.

I have been doing a lot of worrying lately. My kids have been gone to New Mexico with their grandmas for the last three days, and they still have over a week until I get there. I am worried about my current job, the medical leave, money, my weight, the job I want, so so many things, most of which are out of my control! I need to realize that I should focus on the things I can control, and let the rest go -- and be strong enough to believe that everything will work out as it should.

Now lets go get a good workout in!

Today my family and I are going to the Sheryl Crow concert at Wolf Trap Farm Park. The tickets were bought before I was scheduled for surgery, so we didn't want to give them up! I have arranged for special parking and dining to limit the amount of walking we will have to do. I thought this would be a FUN thing for us all to do together, but my husband announces minutes ago that he has no interest in seeing Sheryl Crow. What?

This is the best guy in the world. He comes home yesterday with my wedding ring, doubled the diamond in size while I was in the hospital! Because he thinks I deserve better than what we bought 10 years ago. It is beautiful. Gorgeous! But I didn't know how to react! I was stunned, shocked! And I am a bit screwed up right now emotionally to say the least. I am post surgery and menopausal. I don't know what is up or down. I cried this morning because I didn't get my paycheck deposited! What a dope I am...

So now how do I react to my husband not wanting to spend a big evening with his family? I am confused...

I am feeling better today as far as the pain goes. It is unbelievable how tired I can get so easily though. The Doc says that even though I am an endurance athlete, it has no bearing on having major surgery! I may heal faster, but the impact on my body is just as traumatic as an unfit person! That SUCKS!! I want to be able to get stronger a little quicker. I want to use this time to make my body repair itself and move more! It is so discouraging that all I can do is sit here on the couch and occasionally get up and walk around! Perhaps I need to create a plan so that I have goals for each day - as small as they may be...
i.e. light arm weights every other day
leg weights every other day
walk at least 30 min ea day
At least this would start me on the road....
I feel like I am on the outside looking in to everything. more tomorrow maybe....if i can just sleep more

First day...

This is pretty much the first day I have felt lucid enough to write since my surgery on 6/23/09. I spent 4 days in the hospital after a full abdominal hysterectomy. At 36 years old, I will now be in menopause. I am still wrapping my brain around that. Up until this week, I was incredibly active. Working full time as a therapeutic foster care worker, running up to 35-40 miles a week, and distance racing when I could fit it in. In my spare time, I ran my kids to all their activities, too! I like having goals so that I have something to strive for.

This week, my goal was to make it home from the hospital. Check. Today it was to shave my legs. Check. OMG. SIX DAYS after not shaving is just miserable and ugly! So to be cleanly shorn is lovely! I know that I now have to have little goals. Yesterday I walked around my cul de sac twice (.4 miles each lap) (yes, I know the exact distance). I need a goal - I need to know that there is a marathon or maybe even a triatholon out there that I am registered for and that I am working toward, even if its in small bits right now.

I think that I will need this as an outlet for my feelings and thoughts. I am not a very open person when it comes to discussing my deepest and darkest. And when you get right down to it - I have no idea what I am feeling about all of this. I know I should be feeling so many things, and I am, but I am also struggling to categorize any of them or separate them. I just seem to have this huge pile of pain and anger and sadness and fear and depression and worry and ten other emotions I can't yet identify. This pile is all sitting in my lap and I feel quite helpless as to what to do with it, its just weighing me down. I am in a tremendous amount of pain, and I am not used to being helpless in any way. I am an independent strong mother and wife. I try not to ever lean on anyone. So you see my quandary? This too shall pass.....

I know that I will grow from this experience. I will force myself to become a better mother, better wife, and a better athlete because of this. I know that so much worse could have happened to me, and it didn't, so I am lucky. But this did happen to me, so I must deal with that. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother, loving husband and two beautiful children who all live with me and make my days bright. I know this is a process, and I am just glad that this is a place that I can share my thoughts openly.